Helpful mothering tips your mom couldn't share with you because she was laughing too hard when you asked

Our topic today: bathing the bouncing baby boy in no more than fifty-seven EZ steps

1) Fill bath with scant 1/4 inch water--any more than that is asking for trouble.
2) Add assorted toys: ducky, measuring cups, teething ring, shoes.
3) Take out shoes that the four-year-old helpfully added to the toys.
4) Lay out supplies: towels (2--one for baby, one for you), washcloth, soap, lotion, wet wipes, broom, mop.
5) Take baby into bathroom.
6) Shoo out helpful four-year-old and inquisitive dog.
7) Brush Cheerios off baby's clothes, diaper, face, hair, hands.
8) Invite helpful dog back into bathroom to take care of Cheerios mess.
9) Shoo out inquisitive four-year-old.
10) Take off baby's pj's.
11) Run to get camera for cute shot of baby stuck inside his pj's.
12) Miss cute shot of baby stuck inside pj's, but get shot of frustrated baby crying his curly head off because his arms are stuck.
13) Brush off Cheerios stuck to chest and upper arms.
14-15) Repeat steps 8-9.
16) Take off baby's diaper.
17) Hastily re-apply diaper when fragrant surprise is found lurking therein.
18) Grab wet wipes.
19) Repeat step 16.
20) Clean up baby.
21) Dispose of diaper.
22) Fend off commentary on stinkiness of discarded diaper from helpful four-year-old who has re-entered bathroom.
23) Repeat step 9
24) Place baby gently in water.
25) Hold baby down on his tush to discourage standing up in tub.
26) Desperately attempt with toys to distract baby from standing up .
27) Demonstrate chewing on plastic duck to give baby the general idea of the fun he can have if he doesn't stand up in the tub.
28) Repeat step 27 with each of the toys in the tub.
29) Accept gracefully the fact that the baby would rather gnaw on the wet shoe.
30) Convince self that the two-second dunking of the shoe has washed off any germs accumulated through three previous wearers.
31) Fill measuring cup quickly and dump on baby's head.
32) Wrestle measuring cup away from baby.
33) Repeat steps 31-32 five times.
34) Pour small amount of baby shampoo into palm.
35) Curse quietly when too much dumps out.
36) Add baby shampoo to mental shopping list.
37) Quickly soap down baby, getting in all nooks and crannies. Especially the crannies.
38) Gently dissuade baby from standing up in the tub.
39) Use washcloth to gently wipe baby's face.
40) Attempt to dissuade now crying baby from standing up in the tub.
41) Repeat steps 31-32 five times.
42) Place towel #1 on lap.
43) Remove violently squirming baby from tub and place on towel in lap.
44) Catch baby after he rolls off lap, and repeat last half of step 43.
45) Quickly towel down baby while repeating step 44.
46) Apply diaper while fending off suggestions from helpful four-year-old.
47) Reapply diaper that only covered one cheek due to distraction from helpful four-year-old.
48) Repeat steps 34-36, substituting baby lotion for baby shampoo.
49) Attempt to wrestle baby into clean outfit.
50) Catch escaped baby.
51) Repeat step 49, this time with leg across baby's chest to hold the squirmer down.
52) Implore helpful four-year-old to distract baby while step 49 is repeated yet again.
53) Release baby back into freedom.
54) Apply towel #2 to self.
55) Survey damage to bathroom.
56) Apply broom and mop to surveyed damage.
57) Make mental note to pawn this "fun" off on husband tomorrow.